... that many of us never saw arriving on the Horizon
But,
those ripple effects
hit each and every single one of us.
- we're emotionally
drained
and our
bodies are physically even to the extent of being
SOUL exhausted.this is how the system goes for millions of us, across the world:
we begin as the: girlfriend
that is in competition with the DM's, the PM's, and let's include his selected ex's that he still talks to-
except there's this double standard and it is most certainly wrong for you
to do the same.
the images he still holds onto,
the porn links that he tries to keep hidden from you...
... with some apps on the market that will send you a message of his activity...
Here's a gut check for you...
A little heart to heart
Why would you even do this to yourself; when does HE become honest....?
... with his time that he claims to be working, except you know what he's been doing...
He calls you jealous, insecure,
and that you can leave
if in fact, you have an issue...
Are you not important enough for him
to let the past stay where it belongs...?
Why does he not see you...?
these questions begin arriving...
& if that doesn't sting enough-
this is where you begin to be worried-
Is he even committed to the two of you?
...you end up feeling like you have to-
rather You should BE:
"some extra on the runway"
the arm candy...
the perfect girlfriend really
for him to actually show up with you...
to spice up the sheets a bit, you decide to go shopping...
planning the details of your night for your 2nd dating anniversary...
only to find yourself- alone- laying in bed, crying...
inside this new Victoria's Secret matching set- that you thought he would be excited to see you slipped inside of, except he has yet to arrive- again.
to make matters worse-
the show on Netflix is more important than you...?
See, I hear you.
it's shattering your heart,
creating doubt inside for your future-
where you begin to internalize:
Do you even matter?
leading you to question:
Is there even a 3rd year even arriving for you?
then, you decide to move in together.
things will change, he keeps promising you, he's not the same he was before and that he wants a life with you.
welcome the new stage of: maid
this has arrived for you.
❃ to clean the house
❃ the loads of laundry
❃ the dishes piled up
and when you make it through those two stages-
this is where it gets a bit foggy for the majority of us.
he puts a ring on your finger
& you become the wife
the honey moon phase
quickly evaporates...
that you should do all the things...
to be all the things...
the girlfriend, the maid, and the one that he obligates for his use-
since in some twisted way, he believes, he now owns you.
the one that has to hold it all together with kids too-
❃ one in school
❃ a toddler that refuses to take a nap
❃ with a newborn baby that's sick on top of it...
eight years later...
Where you find yourself asking:
When do you get to sleep or even have a shower
without someone needing you?
and somewhere inside all of this, is the place he gets comfortable...
thinking you won't ever leave...
he hands you a silver platter of excuses of:
❃ why he can't help in the house
❃ he looks for the remote to soothe his difficult day
❃ then he's waiting for his dinner to be served to him too
meanwhile, he piles all of his stress for you to carry on the shoulders of you...?!
Doesn't He see you're exhausted already?
oh wait, it's Wednesday-
as you're running to put on shoes-
the pouring rain soaks you through your pj's, taking out the garbage before it's delayed
adding to that never ending
to-do list
since by God... that garbage truck has arrived on cue
for 20+ years, mind you...
and you're the one managing this- when the world sees you as having it all together
little do they realize the masquarading when it feels like you're dying inside.
See, you've adopted this belief
that damn to-do list always has something new added to it
that YOU are supposed to do "it" without complaints, without asking for help...
...to be all the things,
so they say-
the roles you have to do in order to be loved...?
with the attached memo of:
don't you dare slip up-
or he'll find someone
to replace you.
that's what you've heard, didn't you...?
Ya, me too.
And, unfortunately
this lesson arrived multiple times:
year 8
year 15
only now, you feel caged-
❃ How did things get this way...?
❃ How will you judged if you leave...?
❃ Why are all these images and the links still hidden-
Why would he not let go of all those yesterdays?
& if your fuse is really long...
since you have some hope and you want to stay afloat
it returns to you at year 20...
the same hopelessness
since no lasting changes were made.
sitting inside of a place being ashamed, it's not YOU-
Did you read that...?
that little voice, that is on repeat while you're crying in the shower-
When will you make the decision to love yourself enough to go...?
When you find the Strength to Stand Upright?
those hard lines in the sand,
you've erased millions of times...
reaching the crossroad once again of feeling that you've been on top of the ice-covered lake the whole time, and now it's shattered...
...where you find yourself holding onto the ice, your body is cold, your heart is broken and any energy you thought you had, is slipping slowly through your hands, piece by piece...
your mind is officially screaming to you:
this is drowning.
the facts are staring at you blatantly, these are no longer able to be ignored and your heart has reached apathy.
you're tired of being quiet
... knowing he'll be there in the morning for a cup of coffee and a quiet breakfast
before the world opens up
with the list of notifications for you.
BUT-
this doesn't happen...
those tears he can't understand; you're being
too emotional
a tad bit too much
unable to be controlled
unable to be obligated
to the rules
Eventually,
those tears dry up.
Your heart becomes guarded...
... shattered even, it's a toss up between the two.
=======
You are done asking for things to change.
You are done with the empty promises.
You are done crying alone.
You are done feeling like nothing.
You are done with even feeling alone inside some superficial newsfeed relationship.
You wanted to build a future
you attempted over and over again...
...this is where you learn, that hard reality You can NOT save him, nor can you carry him any further.
You've done everything you could think of...
You're heart is cracked into the pieces...
Your thoughts are in a state of confusion from listening for way too long and way too much
you've built a fortress around you to stop listening to him yelling anymore.
you've become tired from your own inner sabotage,
all these beliefs you began adopting that you were the problem.
You've attempted to fit inside
what the world wanted...
... what your parents wanted
... what your friends said in the subtle messages
...it's Ok to see it for what it is.
the list of excuses are miles upon miles long at this point...
where you take a hard look at reality; his actions just handed you all 52 cards-
the LIFE you thought you were in was a figment of an imagination
and it was time to face the hard truth...
it's inside this place you find the Courage inside
to get yourself up, wipe the tears off your cheeks
and stop having skinned up knees.
This is Your Turning Point.
it's where you stop living
inside of some hopeless dream
to be loved for just you
All of You- with the spaces in-between.
and through it all, you've discovered:
No regrets for this simple reason-
it's called the process of cultivating and
what you do inside the path of finding YOU.
You officially signed your permission slip
and you are now liberated from being caged.
So Proud of You.
Finding the bricks to hand back, that never belonged to you.
Finding your most intricate places that you covered up.
Finding your adventures ahead of you.
You, Sister are finally breathing.
Pinky promise.